Knox's Birth Story

I was going to write Gavin's birth story first since it is the most fresh on my mind, but I find myself comparing the two so much that I feel like I need to write Knox's first. He is, after all, our first child. So here we go.
If you kept up with my pregnancy at all, you know that it was an incredibly easy, textbook pregnancy. I started going in for my weekly appointments at 35 weeks and at that point I was dilated to a 2 and 50% effaced. That didn't change between 35 weeks and the time I went to the hospital. At my 39 weeks appointment, my doctor told me that she would let me go to 40 weeks, but no further. She told me that she is a firm believer that nothing good happens after 40 weeks. That was fine with me. I was beyond ready for that baby to be OUT! (If you know how this story ends, you know I don't have small children, so I was highly uncomfortable and miserable by this point!)
My doctor was going to be out of town on the day that I was technically 40 weeks, so we went ahead and scheduled my induction for a few days later (December 20th) in hopes that I would go into labor on my own before that. No such luck, of course. 
The 20th rolled around and I decided I would work that day since I didn't have to be at the hospital until that evening. I worked until lunch time and went home, took a shower and got everything ready to go. Clayton came home from work a little early, and we packed our bags and headed to the hospital  at 6pm. When we got there, Labor and Delivery was CRAZY busy. We ended up having to sit in the waiting room for a little bit while they got a room ready. We got all of my paperwork filled out and finally got into a room.  I got into my lovely hospital gown and crawled into bed to wait for my doctor to get there and tell me our plan of action.
She got there and told me that we would start Cervidil that night and hope that it would help get my cervix a little further along by morning. After a few excruciating tries by the nurse getting the Cervidil in (sandpaper anyone?), they gave me an Ambien and told me to try to get some sleep. I slept like.a.rock. 
They woke me up about 7am on the 21st to take the Cervidil out and see if it had done any good. Before taking it out, the nurse said "everything is going to be a little more tender, just wanted you to know." Thanks for the warning. "A little" was probably the understatement of the century. I'm willing to admit that I'm a total wimp when it comes to pain and I have a very low pain tolerance...but holy moly, she wasn't joking. 
My doctor came by that morning to just check everything out and they started my Pitocin around 8am. I remember telling my mom not too long after they started it that I was feeling a little crampy. By mid-morning I was having full on contractions and they were less than enjoyable. I had always heard that contractions we worse when you were induced. I had nothing to compare them to, but they were awful in my book. The hospital "recommends" not getting an epidural until you are dilated to a 5. I wasn't even close. 
I finally asked for some IV pain meds, so I got those sometime that morning. She told me it would take a few minutes for them to kick in. I just remember feeling super tired all of a sudden, and I'm pretty sure I just passed out after that.
I only remember bits and pieces from the rest of the day. I know the nurse came in to check me at one point and my water broke while she was checking me. I remember them coming in and turning me in all sorts of crazy positions trying to get things going. I remember eating ice chips galore because I was STARVING and my mouth was so incredibly dry. Clayton said that I would basically wake up, have a contraction and immediately fall back asleep. All I remember is being in immense amounts of pain. And those people who say you forget the pain? They lied. I still remember it. Two and a half years later. My friend, Shealee, was due with a little girl about a month after Knox. She had planned to have a natural birth with no drugs. She and her mom stopped by to visit sometime in the midst of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad part of the day. They had repositioned my bed (kind of like an altar- they must have known the only cure for my pain that was coming anytime soon was going to have to come from Jesus) and made me sit on my knees and rest my arms on the top part of the bed (you getting the altar image?). I remember thinking "screw this" and curled up in a ball on the bottom part of the bed. Well, that's apparently the time they decided to come visit. I don't even remember them being there, but Shealee still to this day cracks up because apparently I woke up when they came in, looked right at her and said "Don't do it without the drugs." and passed back out. I stand by that statement to this day.
Finally, sometime after lunch, after lots of begging and pleading and probably crying, it was time for my epidural. I have never been happier to see a man with a giant needle to stick in my back. The nurse gave me a pillow to hold onto and told me to "be totally still." I don't know if you've ever tried to be still through really intense contractions, but I was fearful for my everyone else's life. I remember that I finally just bear hugged the nurse and buried my head in her shoulder in a effort to be still. Looking back, I'm sure she really loved that. They got my epidural in quickly and it started working within minutes. Oh, sweet relief. 
Because the Stadol just knocked me out and the epidural relieved the pain, I pretty much just slept the rest of the afternoon. They did have to put me on oxygen because Knox's heart rate kept dropping, but other than that it was a pretty uneventful afternoon.
Sometime after 3, I woke up and told Clayton and my mom (through my sweet oxygen mask) that I felt like I had to poop (sorry for the graphic details). My mom and I had this conversation:   Mom: umm that probably means it's time for you to push!  Me: no, I just need to go to the bathroom. Tell the nurse to come in here. I have to figure out how to get to the restroom. Mom:Just use your call button.  Me: Really? With this oxygen mask on?
So, she so helpfully pushes the call button and announces to the entire Labor and Delivery floor, "Ummm she feels like she needs to poop!" Thanks mom.
The nurse came in and my mom was right. It was time to push! They called the doctor and got everything ready to go. I was still so out of it and really didn't know what was going on, but I remember having that moment of panic about pushing a watermelon out of a lemon. Everything happened so quickly that I didn't have much time to worry about it. The doctor got there and it was time to push a little before 4. I started pushing and one of the nurses said "Oh good, you can tell when you need to push and you're doing a good job. We won't have to turn your epidural off." I'm sorry, turn my epidural off? No. Just no. I'll just say, it's a good thing they didn't try. Knox's heart rate kept dropping, so my doctor was really pushing me to get him out quickly.
My mom and Clayton were amazing through the whole thing. I pushed for right at 30 minutes, and then I'm pretty sure I started to just pass out again. At 4:20pm our precious boy made his debut covered in hair. I remember Clayton saying "Do you hear that? Do you hear him crying?" I'm pretty sure I tried to smile and say yes, but I honestly don't remember hearing him.
Clayton told me later that he got really nervous right after he was born because he didn't cry immediately. They had to take him over to clean out his lungs before he made any noise. I honestly don't remember any of that!
They got him cleaned up and brought him to me and I can still to this day remember the feeling when they laid him on my chest. It was the most amazing feeling in the world and I finally understood how you could love someone that you just met with your whole heart. He was perfect. And in that moment with Clayton and our precious new baby, my life was complete. 
They told me to spend about 30 minutes trying to breastfeed before we started letting people come in to meet him. He took to nursing without a problem, so everyone got to come in pretty quickly. My memories are still somewhat foggy even at this point. That Stadol is no joke.
After about another hour they came to take him to the nursery to weigh and measure him and give him a bath. One of the very coolest things is that a family friend who has worked in the nursery for as long as I can remember was the nurse who took care of him. That is so special to me. They came back and told me that he was 8 pounds, 1 ounce and 20 inches long. Like I said, I don't have small children.
Because Labor and Delivery had been so busy, postpartum was also very busy. We ended up having to stay in the L&D room for quite awhile, so I went ahead and showered and got dressed in there. I had a friend ask me before she had her baby to be totally honest with her about the whole experience. She wanted to know the things that no one tells you. The one thing I told her and that I would tell ANYONE is that the bathroom will look like a murder scene when you get done in there. No joke. No one told me. So you're welcome.
We stayed our one night in the hospital and got to go home around 5:30pm on the 22nd. Our world was turned upside down. After a few days I didn't remember life before Knox. It seemed as if he had been with us forever. My pregnancy with him was far from planned, but looking back I wouldn't have it any other way. He is my pride and my joy and he is the boy who gave me my most treasured title of mom. 

Overwhelming.

So I decided I wanted to be a better blogger and then I took a small three month hiatus. If I had to choose one word to describe the last three months, it would be: overwhelming. Not necessarily in a bad way, but overwhelming nonetheless.  In the months of March and April I had two really big volunteer commitments and one smaller one. My baby sister came home from Africa. My middle sister got married in the hill country. Oh, and somewhere in there I had a baby. It makes me tired just reliving it all in my mind. So, blogging got put on the back burner. I want to share all of these things, and plan to do so over the next few posts.  While I most definitely don't have it all together with a two year old and a one month old, I want to remember these times when my kids are older. So over the next few weeks I will share with you: Jessica's bachelorette party, Tori's trip home, Gavin's birth story, Knox's birth story (because I've never written it and I want to before I forget), Jessica's (beautiful, perfect, amazing) wedding, how life has been with two kids, and anything else I can remember that has happened in the past few months. So for today, that's it. But be on the lookout for more exciting posts to come! Today I am going to do my best to entertain Knox while it pours rain outside and turns my yard into our own personal monsoon. I hope you all have a fantastic day!

Knox-isms

Knox started talking REALLY early and hasn't stopped since. He is in such a fun stage right now (even when he's making me totally and completely crazy) and I am really trying to savor every moment with him before Gavin gets here. Here are a few things about him that make me laugh on a daily basis:

• Stickers. He absolutely HATES stickers. I don't know what it is about them, but he doesn't like them on anything. Every Sunday when we get to church, we go to the check-in kiosk to check him in. And every single Sunday as soon as we walk up he says, "no get mine sticker!" because he does NOT want the sticker on his back. There can't be stickers on his cups, anything. When all the nice little ladies at the grocery store ask him if he wants a sticker his eyes get huge and he yells "NO!!!" and it's only a little embarrassing. I have no idea where this hate for stickers came from.
• For the longest time he referred to himself in the third person. "Knox tummy hurts." But now we've moved on to "mine." "Mine tummy hurts, momma." 
• One of his newest words is "together." It's so fun to hear him start speaking in longer sentences. He tells us all the time, "Let's dance together!" 
• He's also starting to figure out what "I'm sorry" means, but he doesn't quite have it down. He apologizes for EVERYTHING. And he does it in the most pitiful voice you've ever heard. I assure you, you'll give him whatever he wants if you ever hear it. "Oh, I'm sorry Mickey Mouse went bye bye momma."
• Another one of his latest things is, "Oh, okay." When you tell him something he will always matter of factly answer, "Oh, okay."
• He does this little inflection thing with his voice that absolutely cracks me up. It's usually when he wants something he knows he can't have. He gets this mischievous little grin on his face and says, "I want CAAAANDY?" with this really high pitched inflection on candy. It gets me every.single.time.
• He wants to be naked all.the.time. He will get really excited about going somewhere and then immediately tells me he doesn't want to get dressed. It is an act of congress to get him dressed every day. He immediately strips his clothes off the second we get home every day!
• He LOVES to dance. He started telling us awhile back, "I GOTTA dance!" and now that he knows we think it's funny he says it all the time. 
• He is obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and can tell you anything about any of the characters on the show. 
• He has picked up this eye rolling thing. It is the most hilariously obnoxious and frustrating thing I've ever seen. I don't even know how to describe it. When you get onto him, he closes his eyes and you can tell that he's rolling them and like flutters his eyelids at you. You just have to see it. Maybe one day I can secretly get it on video.
• He really likes to tell you that he will "be right back." The other day he said, "Oh! I forgot! I be right back!" I'm not sure what he forgot, but he disappeared for a bit and showed back up empty handed.
• He has become quite the momma's boy lately. I don't know if it's because he knows his world will be rocked in a couple of months or if it's just from spending so much time with me, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't secretly love it!

I guess I'll stop there for now. I don't document too many things (you know, first tooth, first steps, first word...all those things that good moms keep up with), so I want to try to occasionally make note of things that our kids do! Aaaand that means you get the joy of sharing in that.

And to prove just how much of a mess he is, here is a lovely picture for you. He was hanging out with his Auntie Jess today and she sent me this picture and told me that he gathered up all sorts of things in his basket, and got on the horse and told her that he would be right back and was riding the horsey to the grocery store.

DIY Gift Wrap

Okay, let's just start this post by admitting that I'm a genius. I'm just throwing that out there.

 This weekend, Knox had a birthday party to attend. We took a family shopping trip, in the rain, on a Friday night (are you experiencing the joyfulness with me yet?) to get a gift. We also needed wrapping supplies because this gift is for a little girl. And I don't think she would have much of an appreciation for my vast collection of "It's a Boy!" gift bags or tractor wrapping paper. I have no shortage of kraft paper bags at my house (we're talking bulk size boxes leftover from Blithe), so I decided I would just get some cute tissue paper and use one of those.

We got a gift, tissue paper and a few other household necessities and headed home. I got home and went to wrap the gift and realized I had forgotten to get a card. I never ALWAYS forget the card. Every single time.

I had just been digging through my super organized desk drawer in search of...who knows what...earlier in the day and came across a set of alphabet stamps. LIGHTBULB.

See, I told you. Genius. This took all of five minutes and was so much less expensive than a card that, let's face it, is going to see it's way to the trash can as soon as the party is over. And I think it gives the bag a little dressing up too!

This got my brain stirring and I came up with all sorts of sayings that could be stamped on bags for any occasion. So, if you're expecting a gift from me anytime soon, don't be surprised if it comes in a bag that says something along the lines of "Happy Birthday you sexy beast" or something equally as charming.

Random Things.

1. I looked back through a bunch of old pictures this week. First, I cried. Am I really only a year (and 3 months) away from being 30? Where did my twenties go? And is my sweet precious baby really TWO?! Oh, man. At this rate, he will be 18 and moving off to college next year. I'm not ready for him to grow up. Not even close.

2. But then, I got really excited about all the super cute clothes he had as a kid that I now get to put on Gavin. You know, before he got all opinionated about what he wears. And only wants to wear blue jeans, tshirts and cowboy boots. I think my very favorite thing when he was a baby were the Children's Place stretchies. There are a few patterns that we have in multiple sizes. I can't wait to pull it all out and sort through it!

3. If you keep up with this little blog of mine, you know that I've been taking a sort of break from Facebook. This has literally been one of the best things I could do for myself. I can still share pictures of Knox (for family and friends who are far away to see) through Instagram and through my blog without having Facebook constantly at my fingertips. I don't have constant notifications popping up on my phone and that annoying red circle with a number on it isn't always lingering above the Facebook icon. Seriously, everyone should give it a try.

4. This little Facebook break has also made me realize how negative and sad Facebook can be. I read through now and it seems like the same people always have negative things to say. And I feel sorry for them. Not in a condescending sort of way. In a I really and truly feel so sorry for them sort of way. I know I shouldn't take Facebook at it's face value as the true indication of someone's life, but really, how can you not? It makes me so sad to think that some people literally have NOTHING joyful to post about. So I've decided to take a new take on this. Instead of simply feeling sorry for these people, I'm going to start praying for them. So just know, if you are always posting negative, sad, berating, depressing things, chances are I'm praying for you. Watch out.

5. I don't guess I have a #5. My life is really not all that exciting. So I'll end #5 with sharing a picture of Knox. You're welcome.

Me: Knox, are you sleepy?
K: yesssssssss. (insert dramatic, can't even hold his head up, sigh)

Have a wonderful weekend, friends!

Perfectly Imperfect.

I have been working on this post for about a week now. I keep leaving it and coming back to it. I know the point I want to get across, but sometimes I have such a hard time actually getting my thoughts out in a way that makes sense.

Struggles. We all have them, right? If you say no, you're lying. I truly believe that at any given point, we are all struggling with something, whether it be big or small.

My current struggles may seem small to you, but there are days that they consume my life. Most have to do with pregnancy, some have to do with raising a strong willed toddler, being the wife God calls me to be, finances, trusting God with it all...you get the point.

Right now I have friends struggling with: finances, divorce, infertility, marriage, raising kids, pregnancy complications, loss of loved ones. I'm going to tell you about two of them. They have no clue that I'm writing this about them, by the way.

Actually, I'm going to let you read one of their stories for yourself, because there is no way I could possibly put into words what she's going through more eloquently than she already has. You can read about her here.  Y'all, this is one of the strongest, most Christ-like women I know. She struggles and she falls and she grieves, but at the end of the day she knows that the only option is to give it up to God, because he DOES have a plan that is bigger than anything we can possibly imagine.

The second is a different kind of story. This friend has a husband who is gone for training for a new job for about six months. We aren't talking sitting in meetings all day training. We are talking the kick your butt physically and emotionally draining stuff. After a week of being there, he had to turn over his cell phone. This is a family man with a wife and two kids at home. He does get to come home on the weekends, but my guess is that it's mostly spent resting and soaking up time with his family. So back to the wife. She has a full-time job and two kids to raise. By herself for six months. Some of you may be single moms who have done this for as long as you can remember, and let me just say: you too, are an amazing woman. I couldn't do it. This friend told me over the weekend, "I'm just so tired. I don't sit down until I go to bed at night. I would never make it as a single mom." And my heart just breaks for her. Because I can't imagine life without Clayton for six months. The training her hubby is in is so exhausting and I know she spends her weekends tending to him and keeping her own struggles at bay and trying not to make him feel any worse about being gone. Let's just say, if it were me...well, pity party table for one please. But even in the midst of all of this, she is asking if she can help with a baby shower for ME and texting to tell me that she read my blog post and not to stress about baby G and that she would be praying. As tired and emotionally drained as she is, she is still putting others first.

I tell you about these two friends to tell you this. They are in the forefront of my mind because I pray for them constantly. And you know what? In doing so, I realize that even though my struggles can sometimes consume or ruin my day, I am not alone. I have friends who are struggling too. And by praying for them, I too find peace. It's a crazy thing, a relationship with Jesus. It is definitely not rainbows and unicorns all the time, but deep down in the depths of my heart, everything is always right when I am walking with Him. Please note I said RIGHT. Not easy, not wonderful, not perfect. Sometimes it's really freaking hard. But it's always right.

My point is, we all struggle. All the time. It's human nature. We are perfectly imperfect. As a child of God, I'm okay with that and I know that this life is temporary. When it's my time to go home, then things will be perfectly perfect. Until then, I have to remind myself that it's okay to struggle. It's okay to have bad days. Because I'm not alone.

Baby Gavin: 30 Week Bumpdate

Look at that, two weeks in a row. Bam. Maybe if I post once a week until Gavin is born, he will have as many pregnancy updates as Knox. Maybe? It's worth a shot.

I had an elective ultrasound yesterday at AC. I absolutely love that they are always looking for volunteers for their sonography students. I get to really see how Gavin is changing and growing and I love it!

As far as pregnancy goes, things are good. It is still not as easy this time around, though! I am getting to the point where I can't sleep and I just feel like a zombie all the time. I am so thankful for Clayton. He is such an amazing husband and dad. I told him yesterday morning, "I'm sorry that I haven't been a very good wife lately." To which he responded, "You are not a bad wife! I don't know what it's like to be pregnant, but I do know what it's like to go with very little sleep, and I can't imagine being pregnant on top of that." Thankful for his patience, understanding, and willingness to just let me be useless sometimes.

I seem to have developed this crazy, ridiculous anxiety over the past few weeks. I worry about EVERYTHING, which is so unlike me. It doesn't matter if I know it's irrational or not. My parents had a weird thing happen at their house recently (that in all honesty, deserves it's own blog post) and then I couldn't get ahold of them. Within about five minutes I had convinced myself that I needed to go to their house and I was going to find them dead inside their house. Sorry for the morbid details- but seriously, it's bad. This is not me. If we're being honest, this is Jessica! I don't worry about things.

That brings me to my next point. My ultrasound yesterday showed that Gavin is breech. I know there is plenty of time for him to flip, but it has me worried. Knox flipped really early! Or maybe he didn't. Clayton thinks maybe he was breech at this point too. Either way, my anxiety (even though I know it's irrational) is getting the best of me. He is stretched from end to end and he's going to be out of room before too much longer! So, as petty as it seems, if you would say a little prayer that he flips before too long (or before I have to commit myself to Rusk) I would appreciate it!

Onto more fun things...

How far along? 30 weeks.
Maternity clothes? Do sweatpants count as maternity clothes?
Sleep: No sleep. Ever. None at all.
Missing anything? Sleep?
Food Cravings: Anything sweet! Cupcakes anyone?
Gender: BOY! Gavin Reece.

Movement? During my ultrasound yesterday, the girl said "Does he do this ALL the time?" Yes.
Mood: Exhausted.
Looking forward to: getting a little more prepared for this little dude to get here!

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I think I start going every two weeks from now on. Craziness. I can't believe we are almost to single digits in the weeks left countdown! 

And here are 30 week pictures for your enjoyment!